我的所谓的"高考"期已经正式开始啦,不过心情完全不在这边的高考上...

 

在两个地方,

第一: STEPPENWOLF, 最近读的小说,是某诺贝尔文学奖的人的代表作.可能是我比较迟钝吧,本来也只是隐约听说过这本书,一开始读的时候也有觉得好闷好闷,但是越读就越入境界了...到现在呢,五体投地地喜欢这本被容格心理学启发的对人生和世界分析得无比透彻的书(这句话的感觉有点像WENSI了).真的,实在是太透彻了,令我有直接"永恒"掉的冲动...

第二: 另外一边的高考. 啊啊啊,比他们早几天考完,就可以屁颠颠地回广州站在省实的校门口等待着抓拍他们考完的盛大场面,然后把那些样子全部放在我珍贵的收藏中. 哈哈,想到就开心得滚动呢...广州广州你等着我啊我要在明媚的六月搽满防晒霜提着两年的英伦记忆回来. 现在,可以PARTY UP了吧?

 

话是这么说,可现在,还是乖乖考好这场不太像高考的所谓高考吧...

 

另: 推荐一部新番动画(其实漫画也很好): 吸血鬼骑士(不要被俗气的名字吓走)

      还有就是人人皆知的xxxHoLiC

 

好了,不说废话了,考试考试考试考试考试考试考试

 

 

给考IB FINAL的我和我惦念的高三的人们

几个月前我就知道,这样的一天终就会来到,即使我使用所有哄骗和欺骗的力量,也不能安慰到自己, 使这一天的印痕轻微一些. 我本来就是不会安慰,舒缓自己的人,所以这几个月我一直在努力提高安慰自己的能力,或者换句话说,自己骗自己的技巧.是的,提高了很多,经过几个月的锻炼.可是,到了这个时候,全都不顶用了.

 

我记得自己很喜欢问这个问题: WILL I SURVIVE? 现在答案已经很清楚了,不能了. 不过, SURVIVE的定义是什么呢? 如果瘸腿行走,满身血痕,两眼空洞的一具身体也算是SURVIVE的话,那我还活着.可这个不是我的定义.我没有了,就是这样.

 

算是18年来第一次的人生低谷吗?可是,我怕那不是低谷,是悬崖,而我再也没有力气从汹涌的海水中爬上陡峭的石壁.

 

早知如此,何必当初?

 

都是我的错.

 

之前一遍遍对自己说, 没事的,没事的,没事的,没事的,结果很早之前就在那里了,你看得清清楚楚的. 可是,我虽然可能在开始之前就看清楚了结果, 可在触到结果之后的很久,都不清楚,自己的感觉到底是什么.

 

明明很大件事,好不好.

 

坏孩子,不要哭了,可以吗

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you

She lay with eyes wide open, earphone tightly stuck in the ears.

 

It's 3am in the morning, or, in the midnight. She felt desperately hungry.

 

I really should've ordered that novel on Amazon, she thought, frowning. Nothing but fantasy novels could impress her these days, not even Orhan Pamuk, or James Joyce, or Milan Kundera. All she wanted was to swallow down a whole fantasy fiction in a sleepless night. Why hasn't the library got the third volume of His Dark Materials, she moaned, and why <A Feast of Crowd> so expensive on Amazon? She had to suppress her uprush of buying another 15mL of eye cream, or a delicious vegetaran meal at the Chinese take-away. She thirsted for a complete set of <A Song of Ice and Fire>. Oh yes, the magic name.

 

Lost in another world, that's an earthy way of calling it. She searched her mind with pride, pride for her remaining instincts for words. I'll call myself a wanderlust in the parallel universes. And then she almost wanted to slap herself in the face, isn't that a dull replication of His Dark Materials, shit.

 

So she did not force herself struggling for words while her brain was already exhausted by daily boring acts. She let the music take her away. How she loved the song playing now in the tiny MP3 player. She used to listen to it when she was standing in the bus to school in her junior years. Her heart used to sink and gasp in the overwhelming despair, like it was now. I began to love recalling past even before I knew how to blow up the candles on my birthday cakes. I'm an old woman, she smiled at the thought of this, staring innocently into the darkness.

 

Let it sink then.

 

She followed the lyrics with mouth open. Not a sound was heard.

 

This is my December

These are my snow covered dreams

This is me pretending

This is all I need

 

And yes, I used to think Linkin' Park was the most perfect band in the world. She laughed soundlessly before fell asleep at the last piano note.

我知道 饮食紊乱的后果 和 甜食对身体的伤害

 

但还是每天回到家 吃CHOCOLATE MUFFINS

把滚烫的粘糊糊的巧克力连着蛋糕一起狼吞虎咽地塞进去 狠狠地 塞进去

仿佛这样就可以 不孤独

 

MUFFIN / DOUGHNUT / CHEESE CAKE / CRUMPLE / YOGURT / CEREAL BAR / TIRAMISU...

 

一个人的感觉 从来没有 消失过

An excerption from an SAT reading text.

Thomas Wolfe said that going home again is like stepping into a river. You cannot step into the same river twice; You cannot go home again. After a very long time away, you will not find the same home you left behind. It will be different, and so will you. It is quite possible that home will not be home at all, meaningless except for its sentimental place in your heart. At best it will point the long way back to where you started, its value lying in how it helped to shape you and in the part of home you have carried away.

 

 

I'm back to school, after an exhausting long haul flight.

Now for UK universities, only University of Edinburgh is yet to response. I'm actually glad that Cambridge has offered the place for me. And I, time to time, actually drown in the imagination of studying in the factory-like Churchill College, wandering in the most academic part in the UK for another three or four years. But the possibility is zero, unavoidably. I've got another three months to wait, wait for something that sounds a lot inferior to the word "Cambridg".

This Christmas holiday was the most boring one I've ever had. But I know it's my fault. I shouldn't have left loose from the begining, now half of my future is ruined and hard to pick up again.

Well, school school school. I'll try to survive the IB. Interview season begins, again, sigh...

Hang on, be perfect.

在我人生的十八年里,从哪一年起我停止了成长?

做了一个测试说我的心理年龄是12岁,幼稚度76%.

寒假在家里,有时找不到衣服穿,就拿出小学时候穿过的后来一直搁置的粉红色外套,上面印着小鸭子的,穿上去,很搭配.

从什么时候开始我潜意识里故意忘掉了要长大?

我的外形从小学六年级开始基本没有变过.

一年级升二年级的时候不想学乘法口诀表,10%的我停在了一年级.

四年级的时候尝到了写作的美妙和感性的美妙,10%的我停在了四年级.

六年级末尾的时候,为上好中学而四处奔波,苦恼,发现了人生的惨烈,10%的我停在了小学毕业那个下午.

初一的时候,彻头彻尾男生气的我,喜欢跟一群男生玩,不用勾心斗角,10%的我停在了初一大大咧咧的时候.

初一升初二的暑假,一个假期寂寞得如同深紫色曼驼罗在荒原里生长,无人在意,10%的我停在了那个暑假的寂寞里.

初三整一年,是我十八年里最美丽的,简单的,上课,考试,买碟,看电影,跟喜欢的和不喜欢的人,咀嚼着短暂的青春,30%的我停在了毕业典礼努力做出的微笑里.

高一,煎熬并享受着,最终决定要离开的时候,10%的我留在了省实的高中校区里.

还有10%,我不知道它是否已被撂在了牛津,但愿还没有.

否则,我已经没有什么可以用来成长了.

好了,现在可以低着头小小声说,DC DEFERRED我了.

一切美梦破裂,转头看看我还有什么.三个星期的圣诞假,接着是更辛苦的IB2.这样写的时候好象很冷静,但是当时一看到网页的时候,有多难受.

特别是听到别人都有被自己喜欢的学校录的时候,很郁闷,真的很郁闷.

我现在在刚刚降温的广州,等着吃白白的米饭,面前是低吟的手提,心里是一片荒凉.

并没有什么人知道我回来了,没有关系.

圣诞夜怎么过?谁可以告诉我.

我带回来了厚厚的ULYSSES, 还有MY NAME IS RED, HIS DARK MATERIALS之类的小说.唯有文字可以让我暂时忘掉尴尬.

好了,写东西了.

The interview season ends. And nearly does my fall semester. Failure or not, each interview is quite interesting on its own. And although a bit unwilling to share some of my unhappy experience, I still think it's a good chance to write them down in order. So let's begin.

 

Dartmouth College alumni interview
Unluckily I got the most important interview as my first time. In conclusion I didn't perform my best, but it was not a fiasco. I did a lot of preparation before the interview, like browsing the common interview questions, reading through DC's website, and yes, watching that clip of Dan talking to DC interviewer in Gossip Girl over and over again.
I was really nervous, so the smile, the warm handshake, were all fake. But the good thing about Alumni interview is that techniquely it's just a schoolmate of Dartmouth and as he/she is also a student, there's nothing to be worried about. Well, I kinda got the most outstanding alumni from DC, who was a Rhode Scholar, and who studied in LSE and Oxford University after graduated from DC. During the interview, we did talk about lots of thing from different aspect, and it last for approximately an hour. We even talked about the Spanish restaurant in Oxford. I tried to convince her that my "international" feature was ideal for DC, dunno whether I've suceeded or not. Anyway, the interview reached the topics like academic interest, social ability, being "international", hobbies, and lastly, questions about DC from me. I got to know a lot of things about DC from her. Overall, the talk was really pleasant, although I don't know if I made a good impression or not.
And yes, I'd like to stress that this interview might be a failure, because it's likely that I'm rejected by DC, so...

 

Open day and informal talk in University of Birmingham
I really shouldn't wear as a doll to the university. Blouse, skirt, hair band...all unworthy. The Chemistry Department was somehow...crap, as the teachers seemed not at all brilliant. The atmosphere was also too native, so quite boring. People weren't so easy-going. Anyway, the whole morning of the open day was too long to endure. But from the others, I heard that the so-called informal talk was really the interview itself.
Finally the afternoon. I was picked up by a dumpy professor and we went to his office. After glancing at my transcript, he began to repeat the word "prestigious" throughout the interview. I asked him first about whether this was the official interview. And he was like: "Oh, we're not going to bother you with loads of questions. It's just a chance to let you know more about us. And apparently you grades are prestigious, so no doubt you'll get an offer." And then he just asked me if I got any question. Well, what could I say, so I began to ask about the research project on hydrogen storage using complex compounds which I read on UoB website. He looked so pleased to be discussing these projects, so I kinda listened through the interview, while he continued to talk about metal catalysts, the perfect nanocatalysts which are made by bacteria, etc. And well, I managed to pretend to be interested, and actually it was quite interesting indeed to hear about some PhD research, but I'm not sure it's the exact form of an interview.
My suggestion: think twice before you make the decision applying to UoB's chemistry.

 

St Andrew's Offer
Nothing to talk about. They just gave me the offer straight away through UCAS, but still, it's conditional. 34 points in IB final.

Open day and interview in UCL
First of all, I LOVE UCL's Chemistry Department!
The whole day was a great fun. I arrived in London in a hurry, with rain pouring down. A talk on "oscillation reaction" soon began after I entered a lab full of people. By the way, why there are so many girls applying for Chemistry? I should've applied for Physics so I'm not surrounded by girls, but my parents just didn't allow me to. The professor was sharp, bright, cute...in a word, fantastic. The talk was so interesting and we got to see a beautiful oscillation reaction triggering waves at points of reaction. Wow, it was amazing. For some moments, my mouth and eyes opened wide and I thought, this was where I wanna be. The professor managed to combine biology theory into the explanation for the mechanism of the oscillation reaction, saying "male rabit and female rabit in beautiful Gloucester countryside in early spring..."
And then we listened to the talk on the course by the head of the department. Well, he kinda talked like Ian, which was familiar. This part was quite boring because it's natural that every university just emphasizes how wonderful it is to study here.
The lunch was as usual, sandwiches, fruits. I got so bored with sandwiches so I just ate a few pieces of fruits. There were student helpers coming around, one of them was from Hangzhou and another from Hongkong. And again, I think it's a mistake to dress like a doll for such events where so-called senior students take part. But apart from that, all of them were so nice and I talked to a student studying Chemical Physics and decided to change my course into Chemical Physics from pure Chemistry, because I love quantum mechanics. Then we had a tour around the college and I saw the famous "founder of UCL sitting in a cupboard without his head", funny. And also a fact, the scene of the fight with mummies in Mummy Returns was actually filmed in front of the main building of UCL, not the British Museum itself, wow...
Finally, the 20min interview. A student helper told me before that Dr Slate, who's my interviewer, was nice, but I kinda didn't see that. We went straight into an office, and right after we sat down, he began like: "OK. So let's start some questions. It sounds a bit like a quiz. Question 1..." Well, never mind, if my "doll charm" didn't work on him, my "academic charm" would. I answered the questions like the mechanism of electrophilic addition, the acidity of water under different temperatures, the working of catalysts, well, almost effortlessly. There was one question that kinda got me: Which has a higher rate of reaction, ethene with HF or ethene with HBr? The answer is obviously HBr. But I just stuck on it for half a minute and foolish me, even mentioned about electronegativity. And at the end, I told him I wanted to change to MSc in Chemical Physics.
I felt terrible after the interview, because of that HBr question. But it turns out to be alright, as I got my offer from UCL today. Dr Lewis wrote in hand: P.S. very impressive report from Dr Slate, well done.
Well, as I'm soooooooooooo in love with UCL, if I'm not accepted by the States, and Cambridge, I'll go to UCL. Or, if I'm not accepted by the States and kinda amazingly got accepted by Cambridge, I'll still go to UCL, if my parents allow me to do so.

 

Interview in Churchill College, Cambridge
Finally the big one. I don't know how should I write about it, I just don't know.
In the gloomy and windy night of Thursday I arrived in Cambridge and went straight to the college. Churchill College is unlike those old Oxbridge colleges which make you feel that you're in the middle of the Harry Potter film. The buildings are modern, logical, without passion, cold, just like those for scientific research. 70% of Churchill undergraduates are scientists, wow. Anyway, I got to my room through the dark night, and the building seemed empty and haunted. I wanted to read through my Chemistry and Physics textbooks, and Biology note, but ended up eating Brazil nuts and chocolate cookies in bed, and soon fell asleep.
Friday, sunny, cold with my skirt on. I went to the waiting room, sat there with half dozen of students looking confused and nervous as me. We chatted with each other and the student helpers, saying that it would be fine, but everyone knew it's a mere greeting. The student helpers were really nice and looked indeed intelligent, typical top students.
And then I was led to my first interview. No sofa, just desk and chairs, one woman and one man sitting at my sides. Well, at least they said "nice to meet you" with a smile. Then we went straight to the questions. The first question was asked by the man, on molecular symmetry. It was easy and after a few prompting I got it right. Here to share the main question: how many molecular symmetrical planes are there for a C60 molecule? And the second question was asked by the woman, on first ionization energy trend in the periodic table. It was easy, thanks to Ian.
My second interview was a lot worse than the first one. I was asked about my extended essay first. What's the theory behind the Coanda Effect. It was easy. But then came the terrible memory. The interviewer asked me to draw the graph of the function y=(x square)/(1+ x square). Well, if it was Tao, I'm sure it would've turned out fine. But I was so nervous at that time. I was going to do some differenstiation first but the man stopped me right away: "Don't do any mathematical transformation, just look at the function, just look, and draw me the graph." I was like...what...So I tried, kinda hard, well, even stupidly putting in coordinates. Anyway, I don't even wanna mention it as it took me a long time to get the graph and everytime I was getting there, the man stopped me by asking more questions. It was awful. Then the other man showed me two boxes, one with soaked washing powder and one with pure washing powder. He asked me how to turn the first one into the second one. Well, it was quite easy but I didn't get it right away when he asked me what was the quickest way to dry the powder. I went for low pressure first, but he said it would be expensive. Finally I got it and the answer was to "shower" the powder into a hot dry environment.
I wanted to just go straight home after the interviews because I felt I would never get in. But I thought, jesus, what would Liz say. So I managed to sit down and do the Thinking Skill Assessment exam, for another 1.5 hour. Well, I didn't finish it, but it's normal. I was doing the 48th question when the time's up (50 questions in total). It wasn't that difficult for me because I got the experience of another scarier one: SAT. What surprised me was that there wasn't any essay question, just 50 multiple choice. I guess my result for TSA won't be too low for a foreigner.
I was going to have a tour around Cambridge, however, I wasn't in the mood of doing so. A student helper from HK said that the decision would come right after Xmas, and he joked "take it as your Xmas present". Haha, very funny, in my opinion, 90% of it will turn out to be a rejection, just like my DC one.

 

After all, it's FINISHED (temporarily)!
Let's focus on other things, like internal assessment and ToK presentation...

Q: Why do you choose Cambridge?
A: Well, since I will stay in Oxford to spend two years on this damn IB, I will be bored to death if I choose to stay here for five years. So I choose two small and boring places for these five years, instead of one small and boring place. Satisfied?

Q: When did you first hear about Cambridge?
A: Oh, you know that film Van Wilder 2? It's set in Cambridge and it's so funny! The guy plays paintballing in history class, grabs the girl of that Eton fool, makes a dog eat pills so it gets laid with a female one on the dog competition in front of all the Cambridge students, and finally destroys a whole memorial hall in Cambridge. Wow, he's so cool. The doggy part is my recommedation, you should replay it for 10 times.

Q: What do you have to offer Cambridge?
A: Me? A freak for a freaky college, simple as that.

Q: What do you know about Churchill College?
A: It's named by Churchill
Q: And?
A: It's built using Churcihll's money.
Q: And?
A: It's in Cambridge. And by the way, who's Churchill, anyway?

Q: Let's get to the academic part. How will you improve the efficiency of glonoin explosion?
A: Carry the explosion setting from the lab to Oxford street on a sunny Saturday.

Q: How do you predict an atom's behavior in an ideal gas?
A: Go and ask it. Don't be shy, a little talk on the weather will get it unarmed.

Q: What's your interest in Biochemistry?
A: Desigh a drug to improve impulse intensity and duration. You know which impulse, right?

Q: How do you think of the development of stem cell and its moral conflict?
A: The research should be banned, absolutely! Human will be taken over by robot eventually, so what's the struggle?

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
Q: Well, personal opinion, but I think you're the ideal student to study natural sciences in Cambridge. Will you take the offer?
A: I'm glad you guys accept me but I've already booked a place at St. Andrew's to jump off the cliff, bye!

Hmm...I'm just writing stupid stuff, don't take it seriously. But...REAL CAMBRIDGE INTERVIEW next Friday, how will I handle it? I mean, what's there for me? I don't even like it.
By the way, Dartmouth, I love you, so would you please please please tell me the decision soon? Dartmouth, I'm waiting for your answer that determines my life...LUV YA...

用什么换什么,后悔不后悔
 
考试结束了,也不是完全没有预料到,会考砸. 41分. 让我摸不着头脑的经济STANDARD,成功地画上了丑恶的一笔. 考前并没怎么复习的,中文化学英语是根本没有复,只有经济和物理稍微花了几个小时. 所以,41分,应该是傻瓜懒惰的我应得的分数.

但是还是很伤心. 伤心得足以在语文课上就那么哭出来了. 原本以为可以一直保持的什么满分,没有了; 仅剩的光辉形象,也没有了. 如果,如果再花上几个小时复习,或者找KEVIN讨论一下经济STANDARD考试的技巧,也许,就可以一直保持着幸福美满生活吧...

总觉得这次像是用考砸的分数换来了DC的面试机会. 这样的交换,我后悔吗? 如果换来的是DC的录取,我绝对不会不甘,但只是一个面试机会啊,离录取还遥遥无期. 而所谓的录取,也只是飘在半空中一个虚无的词汇,只有考42的人才用机率拥其入怀,而我,傻瓜又懒惰. 我不只傻瓜懒惰,还贪婪.
我真的要努力了. 下一次大考就是MOCK EXAM了,我输不起,除非真的能在那之前拿到DC的录取.
 
一两天前心情最低落的时候,看YANG的SPACE. 原本是想学习一下ST. CLARE'S最出色的师姐在IB2时面对考试和INTERVIEW的方式,但是没用的我,越看越绝望. 相比之下,我到底是什么呢? 是崇拜飞鹰的满身污泥的蚯蚓吧?

 

Lift me up, lift me from this place.

 

还有不到一个月,就可以回家了. 但当然,在那之前,CAMBRIDGE的INTERVIEW,报考,TOK作文和演讲,INTERNAL ASSESSMENT...仅仅想到,都令人喘不过气来了. 牛津这几天好冷好冷,每天4点天黑,7点后空气就像冰一样的,第二天八九点出门,路边的落叶上覆着厚厚的霜. 所以我在晚上6点后基本都不出门了,真懒. 回广州可以更温暖, 要去吃火锅,下多多的青菜,望着腾腾的热气暂时忘记未来. 还要练习古筝,好好读书,做乖乖女儿. 还要做筱婧的跑腿,没事干的时候就拿着好吃的的东西去省实慰劳她. 嘻嘻,光是想着就已经很开心了. 英国寒冷的冬天,果然还是不习惯.

星期二要加油, impress her.
MOCK一定要拿满分.
圣诞假一定要开心.

 

It seems that most of the people are suffering. Or is it just my illusion for I long to have some pity?

Now I kinda understand how Dan felt when his place of ushering DC representative was taken by an idiot because of social status. I know my situation isn't very similar to his, but anyway, the feeling of seeing something you want so much slips right through your own hands is the same, and it isn't due to bad performances, it's due to the mistakes, unavoidable, like Dan's, or obviously avoidable, like mine. Anyway, I'm totally a loser on this issue. And I think I should find some comfort downloading Gossip Girl everyweek and watching Dan getting into DC after all these twists and turns, meanwhile, wishing I was a role in a weekday drama.

But I really learned much from the tragedy. I discover that I have a feature that I never paid attention before. I can do things well, but cannot take care of every details. And since details usually affect the very final result, I always need someone to have my back. Before, it was Dad, Mom, Uncle, Jane. They calmly pointed out what I missed out behind the seemly perfection. And I used to take the advices for granted. But now, half a globe away from them, I'm not sure if I have someone to have my back and help me maintain my track. Hopefully it's Ed, although he doesn't really look like a gardian angel comparing to Jane. Thank god please keep me on track, I don't wanna be torn apart by those silly mistakes, never ever again.

Life is in chaos. Exams, applications, but the hardest thing is to balance my heart and face every new second with the right mood.  What a horrible period, again the question I've been asking since the beginning of the summer: will I survive?

Someone will say: "Probably, after all you're Ling."
My response is: "Since I'm Ling, probably not."

秋草味道的梦

每一个在惊醒时刻骨铭心的梦，在一天，两天，或者半个星期后，也会只是像留在白纸上方方正正的宋体字，虽有含义，但再也没了感觉。所以，秋草味道的梦，我在忘却感觉之前，把它留成文字。

寒烟弥漫，周围的草树是苍绿得似乎叹息出湿润的雾气，其实并不冷，寒意却狡黠地直噬进骨里，像野草扎根，被包裹在层层冬衣下。似乎是冬天，我的圣诞节假，但广州没有冬天的，让人觉得最是寒冷的时候，许多人更喜欢称那几个短暂的月份为秋天。而且是IB2的圣诞节假，广州的同学，在备考的水深火热中。却有那些漫长而闲暇的一天天，不符逻辑。梦里，两人沿着清冷的阶梯一直走下来，走到落叶飘散的宽阔的大路上。我们抱着从图书馆借回来的书，搭公共汽车回家。谈话时断时续，但默契从未卡带，全是一些我在英国根本没对象可以倾诉的话题。我漫无边际地聊着，嘴角溢满恰倒好处的微笑，一半是为了他看着更开心，一半是发现知己从未离开的欣慰。在软软的话语间，秋草冰凉得辛辣的味道轻轻降落在鼻翼两侧。

在梦里，他家有很多石头做的桌椅。我们就在上面摊开我们借来的厚厚的书，边写作业，边继续着谈话。他妈妈回来了，问我是否愿意留下来一起吃饭。期待很久的邀请。我礼貌地点头谢谢，微笑更明亮了。目送他妈妈进了厨房，我转头，却看到了那个熟悉的，落寞的，刻满隐忍的眼神。我最抵挡不住的眼神。

“其实，为什么呢？你自己知道那些人都不了解你。为什么还要在一起呢？”

秋草的味道在那一瞬间辛辣得几乎要让人晕眩。所有我们小心绕过的灰色区域，所有我们为了保持关系而一笑了之的过往，从未消失，甚至淡化过。它们永远潜伏在心里，不时探出头来嘲笑我们的行为，然后不屑地缩回去，刻意地不去显露它们天幕一样大而黑暗的影子。

我咬着下唇。那时的我多想当作耳机里面的金属摇滚太嘈杂，继续没听到似地拿起笔记录下另一条公式。或是装一次我装过无数次的傻可爱，学猫叫一声，愣愣地“啊？”一声，或者轻轻地嘟一嘟嘴。但那都不是我。在我又一次想尝试说出自己真实想法的时候，我却退缩了，并像很多平庸得掉渣的同龄女生一样，简单地回答：

“可能因为我挺喜欢他们吧。”

梦从这里开始迅速地模糊。之后，我们似乎继续埋头看书了，几分钟后，继续讨论问题了，样子更冷静，更成熟，丝毫不像少年时那无数次蹩脚的处理。但是，同样迅速模糊的秋草的味道，抓也抓不住，让人有哭泣的冲动。

我们，什么时候可以明明白白的？在英国初冬的阳光明媚的早晨睁开只含着一颗眼泪的双眼，我还在用力忘却梦与感觉。

When the leaf lingers on the twig

Apples and blackberries are still waiting for a glimpse

of an autumn sun

to ripe

and to be picked

is it too late?

 

Not too late to sit

in the sun

with broken camera and trembling hands

At least I notice the juvenile fruits

grinning in their eternal reverie

We all know

the serenity

of ephemerae

Right, although I really didn't want to put any thoughts onto this long-abandoned space, I decided to renew it, vaguely as a sign of me back in England.

It's amazing how scents can bring up tides of memory, when I rushed back from Gatwick airport to my house, when I entered the A block of the main building, when I walked on the streets. Even before my vision and hearing remind me, on the surface of conciousness, of these mixed old days, I fell into the swirling aromas and at one flash, thought I were still that optimistic girl running around for Orientation last year, too bellicose to be pulled down by any ordeals. Yet I accepted the identity of an IB2 long before the beginning of August, as I struggled through the planning of those homework but finally gave up writting anything onto the paper.

This september is going to be painful, extremely painful. I cannot imagine how I will manage EE, internal assessments, oral presentations, experiments, applications and so on. Mentally I'm still basking in the paradise of foods back in Guangzhou. Physically here I am, trying to catch up but scarcly doing anything important. Just keep asking:"how can I survive?"

I'm not a fighter anymore, not the one whose image is widely acknowledged. I'm a dreamwalker.